The Fire

CW / TW : References to abuse and residential / boarding schools

I was eight years old as I stood there, staring at the embers. 

When they were like this, it was warm, it was inviting, and it felt like home.

But sometimes the fire would get so large and destructive, there was nowhere I could hide. I felt the burn, as the flames licked my fragile body, as the smoke clouded my head and stung my eyes.

Sometimes I could temper the fire but not with my words but by my actions, and by my inactions. I knew eventually if I stayed quiet it would burn back down.

If I spoke too loudly the breath from my lungs that would cross my lips would only fuel the flames and make the heat nearly unbearable. 

Sometimes I would get burnt so badly I’d be taken out of the fire and placed into water. 

Water that was supposed to heal the wounds - but truthfully, I couldn’t swim - I couldn’t stay afloat. 

The water was cold. 

I still needed those embers.

I needed their warmth.

You see this fire has been burning for a long time, and these embers - they were caused from a spark that happened long before. A spark from a fire that was also large and destructive. 

I was 14 when the fire took my breath away for the last time. The flames wrapped themselves around my neck, choking my breath and leaving me laying on the ground, badly burnt and dying. 

Then they came to contain the fire. They doused it with water, and the fire became mere embers again, they smothered it down to a flicker, a pop, and a small crackling sound. 

Time passed. The burns became scars and the scars eventually healed.

Nearly a decade went by when I again smelled the familiar smoke... the embers were so faint, but the warmth was still there.

I confronted the embers, as if they were still a raging fire. The breath from my lungs that crossed my lips in words I was never able to say didn’t fuel the fire this time. Rather, they stifled it. The air spread the embers out, taking away their warmth. 

I was 26 when the embers eventually burnt out. 

The white smoke filled the sky and carried with them all the destruction the fire had caused. 

I was so angry. 

The fire went out by itself. 

Then I felt it. 

Inside of me. 

The embers beginning to burn.

And then, a fire. 

-ochanisa

This piece is dedicated to the children and grandchildren of the victims of residential and boarding schools. Many of us are still processing what happened to our parents and grandparents while the church and governments who implemented regulated genocide are not held accountable.

You can learn more about S.A.’s work and the kakichihiwewin project at www.seedingsovereignty.org/tkp.